The headline should read – Middle aged woman who locked herself out of her house climbs through bedroom window using a car jack, a curtain rod and a shovel for support.
It was Monday and I had high hopes it was going to be a great day. I woke up before I planned to, dressed and prepared to go for an hour walk in the cold. I had my water bottle, both phones and good shoes on. I walked thoughtfully out the backdoor with my new mantra ASIA (Answers, Solutions, Ideas, Answers) running around in my mind. Today was going to be the day I solved all the world’s problems including a few of my own.
As I step out the backdoor towards my purposeful life I heard a click and responded with a vehement “Oh, shit!” I had just locked myself out of the house. My cross-eyed, far-sighted cat sat in the window looking at me with one paw in the bowl containing my keys as if to say “You really don’t have a clue do you?” I began thinking perhaps I had too many animals.
I made a number of revelations at this moment, none, which it turned out, would promote world peace, but alas, I had become sidetracked. I realized the garage, where the tools were located, was locked and yes, the keys to it were inside the house. I realized none of my windows open except the bedroom one 10 feet off the ground. During the house’s last paint job, the extremely professional painter sealed the windows shut and I just hadn’t gotten around to breaking them open, it was winter after all. I thought perhaps I could get the kitchen window open enough to stick a rake through and grab the keys. I knew it could open at least 4 inches as I propped it up each time I burned something while cooking. I would try this first.
I rummaged through the cupboard on the back porch and found a grout spatula and a hammer. After twenty minutes, hammering away at the kitchen window attempting to get it up enough to stick the rake through, I realized my rake was about 2 feet too short to reach the bowl, no matter how far I stretched. The cat again watched the entire process from her spot on top of the key bowl. I asked her once or twice to hand me the keys, but she blithely ignored me.
It was then I realized I had foreseen this happening and made extra keys. I wasn’t as stupid as I had originally surmised. I couldn’t find them. Apparently, I hid them so well even a detective would be hard pressed to locate them. They eluded my hectic search of the back porch, front porch, basement and yard. Later when I did finally get in the house I discovered my child had used them and put them, yes, in the bowl, beneath the cat. The cat gave me her “You can only be angry with yourself” expression. Still, I would be chatting with my child this very evening.
I needed an idea. I knew my bedroom window could be opened, but was unsure how to do it from 10 feet down on the ground. The problem compounded when I took into account the stairs going to the basement directly under my window adding another 5 feet to the already seemingly insurmountable chore. It’s not as if I possess lemur, or chimpanzee blood. I wouldn’t even make a good Gecko. I stood there, an out of shape old lady without access to my tools. AhhHHHH!!!! Then my moment of brilliance hit me. The car jack, the car jack would be my salvation.
I pulled this wonderful invention I had never used on my car (I have AAA), out of the back end of my Jeep and prayed fervently all the pieces were there. It was a bit rusty, but intact. I managed to grab the short ladder out from under the garage door with a bit of pulling and force (it was near the door and old buildings are not exactly airtight). I placed the ladder to the right of the window as high up on the walk as it would go and reach over with my shovel to push on the panel (these windows slide up, leaving no exposed sill on the outside). I pushed and shoved. It rose a measly 2 inches. Then it fell.
I did this again, putting a rock under the sill to keep it up the 2 inches. Then I stood 3 feet away on the sidewalk above the stair well with one foot on the wall (yes my legs are really that long) pushed for all I was worth with the tip of a curtain rod I found in the. It rose 4 inches. The cat then stuck her head through the hole to see what on earth was going on. I managed to push her back with the curtain rod before the window crashed on her head. That would really have made my day complete!!! Squashed cat and locked out. My fear was she wouldn’t die from it and my break in would become a rescue mission. This would then require just breaking the window and facing heft repair and vet bills. Damn cat!
Finally, after repeating these steps over and over again, push window, push cat, block window, block cat, while watching the window crash down about a ½ dozen times, I managed to slide the car jack in the open space. It was cake from there on out.
I cranked the jack up until I had an 18 inch hole. I was so proud of myself. The next trick was how to hop through. I would have to jump from the ladder to the sill and hope I didn’t miss, it was a long way down and I’m no Olga Korbet. I could already picture a broken back, broken limbs, permanent paralysis and a concussion. I just held my breath and jumped. This is one instance in which enormous boobs really area a distinct disadvantage. I landed on them and thought I would cry from the pain.
My torso was stuck in the window frame with my ass and legs flailing out the back end of the window. I could just touch the floor with the tips of my fingers, but couldn’t reach far enough in to steady myself. I was something of a human pendulum. The cat climbed on my head and proceeded to lick my ears as I hung precariously out the window. It was now raining.
I then heard a voice, “Do you need help?” “No, no just working out, I’m just fine,” I replied. Of course I needed help, did I look like I knew what I was doing? Here I was, a middle aged, not exactly fit, woman hanging half out an upper story window. You would think that would have appeared a bit odd to any onlookers. Now, really?
Knowing I was probably at this point attracting a crowd. Watched by individuals with nothing better to do but try and figure out if I was a burglar, or just mentally deranged, I wiggled, shimmied, grunted and groaned my way into the house, cat riding on my back the entire way.
I checked myself over and other than a few bruised breasts, a couple of cuts on my hands and grease from the car jack all over me I seemed to be okay. Once I had removed all the apparatus holding up the window, the damn thing refused to go down, but a problem for another time.
When I went back outside I found I did indeed have an audience. I wondered how long they had been there. Did they see me jump, did they watch the shovel, curtain rod fiasco, did they score my ability? Did I rate a 5, a 7 or a 1? My audience consisted of two women and a man smoking cigarettes in the alley behind my neighbor’s house. These lovely young people looked as if they might have mugged me before they gave me help anyway. I just waved politely and they laughed. Glad to make your day brighter, I thought. Yes, ha ha ha!!
So much for my morning, until I realized despite my desire to do things differently today I had actually looked for answers, found a solutions based on my ideas and put it into action. Isn’t the universe funny!!! No, it’s not! Ha Ha Ha!!!